Poor Man’s Guide to Surviving The Apocalypse
I started a news website to tell people the truth concerning the nuanced world they live in. The whole truth can be a frightening thing sometimes. The best nights of sleep I’ve ever had were times in my life when I was being brutally lied to. I slept like a deceived little baby. But with the world crumbling under our collective feet, it’s time to WAKE UP NOW, for all of us.
Reporting news, digging for facts and information made me realize this world is wobbling out of control. It is currently held to together by an eroding set of values which no one can agree on anymore. My news coverage reveals how quickly things are coming apart; I think it’s about time to at least consider how we should prepare ourselves. If you are like me, you don’t have a lot of money saved up. We need to be prepared to survive the end times, but on a budget. We don’t have the means to construct secluded bugout shelters or swanky bunkers, or stock our garages with food and water or amass an arsenal of weapons.
This is the Poor Man’s Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse.
Here’s some helpful advice: Print this out (maybe on a neighbors printer, I don’t know your life), as your computer will not work once the power grid goes down. And no, hoping to charge your phone in your car and read that way won’t work either. You know you’ve only got an eigth of a tank until Friday.
I’m opening up my personal disaster plan to you, so pay attention for more than 30 seconds (damn Millennials). Here’s an example:
Tip #57 Always be prepared to loot your own house.
So you might have to watch the apocalypse happen out of the window of your crappy apartment. No money to evacuate, no place to go, a part of you always knew this is where you’d die. But at least the rent is now free, because everyone is dead or dying. You can stay alive by learning how to evade the roving gangs of looters who will come knocking like deranged, blood thirsty trick or treaters. If they find you hiding in a closet, clutching a picture of your ex and your last bag of potato chips, you’re a goner.
To outsmart the looter, you must become the looter (in your own home). Picture this: your door flies off the hinges and a roll-out crew rushes into your pad. But you saw them pulling up and threw on your mask, picked on a duffle bag and grabbed your rusty machete you had left over from when you dressed up as Jason Voorhees for Comic-Con. When they step in they see you walking around your apartment knocking stuff off the shelves and cramming things into your duffle bag. They call out to you, “Oh, you already messing this place up? I guess we’ll hit next door.” Looter code, you got there first. That’s how you survive the first wave…..
Check back later for more advice on the Poor Man’s Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse.